Undignified

I Have Forgotten…

“Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ lovedus andgave himself upfor us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” -Ephesians 5: 1-2

When I became a Believer, my first favorite passage was this one. The words in bold are the ones that really stuck out to me the most. I am a beloved child of God who loves me and gave himself up for me. He didn’t have to. We disobeyed him, ignored him, denied him, cursed him, hated him, spit on him, kicked him, and turned from him,yet he still died for every single person who was, is, and will be. He loved his creation no matter how much we may have turned from him. He understands that we will feel unloved and unwanted at times, but He also understands that we are in need of love, a love only he can accomplish. Yes, he has given us the ability to love and show compassion, but isn’t it amazing that His love isgreater??? But recently, I have forgotten. Why? I knew exactly how I would feel when I slipped away from Him: hopeless, sad, and broken. When I am closest to him I feel unspeakable joy in my heart not only for myself and my worth, but for those around me. I have forgotten how loved I am and how lovedeveryone around me and the world is loved by the same God who loves me.

Wow. How selfish. To think it was all about me and not everyone else around me.

I have been pretending just to keep up my “reputation.” How disgusting! Being a believer is being real! It’s not having a holier-than-thou rep that everyone has to know about. It’s about realizing that I am just guilty as those around me. I am no better. Being a Believer shouldn’t be a power struggle, but humility. Kind of like a “Wow. He really forgave me for everything I did?” But arrogance comes over me and I think I am better than so and so because I don’t do what they do. It’s not like that is my main thought, but I don’t have the love inside of me that I should, even for Christians! They are like me too!

I’m beginning to realize that Jesus’ character is not something I will ever be able to fully comprehend. It’s not something to go to college for and think I know everything (He knows I don’t!). All I want to do is humbly love! All I want to do is be a woman after His heart! All I want to do is care solely for what God thinks of me and not those around me! Isn’t it so awesome how He is so jealous for me? For you?? (Exodus 20:4-5). He cravesmyattention. He cravesmylove. All he wants is for me to love Him and obey Him. And why wouldn’t I? What do I have to lose? I’ll tell you: all sense of not being good enough, lack of confidence, ugliness, filthiness, selfishness. Is it really bad for me to lose all this? I think it could actually be good for me…

But I had forgotten.

I have been so selfish. So what do I do now? Constantly change, that’s what. Starting….now.

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Brennan Manning…

I have a confession…

I deliberately avoid the news and CNN just so i will have no clue about the awful events going on around me and the world. I have a fear of scary movies, so to think that I could believe that fiction could happen to me, it is unbearable for me even to consider reality, well, happening now. It probably isn’t the best thing to do, but for my peace of mind it is. If I keep my eyes closed then I wouldn’t cry all the time from seeing such madness withheld inside of an electronic square in my living room.

Just seeing so much turmoil around would probably lead me to pick up the bottle too. Just so I could delete the images from my brain. This may or may not be taken from an extreme perspective and I am probably not the best person to handle bad news like we see every day on the news. Brennan Manning was an alcoholic and when he became a believer he was being treated, yet, he still felt the hurt of the world and turned to drinking as opposed to Jesus (as I can see). The question he asks is a very deep question. I do not know if I can necessarily answer the question with a smile on my face. Evil is evil and to witness evil or even be a part of the evil can be exhausting and heartbreaking.

To keep myself from drinking or from losing any sense of hope depends on what exactly my hope is. As a believer I put my hope in God and trust in Him. He is very well aware of the things that are going on and, being a personable God, he relates to humanity and the evils of sins (I mean c’mon Adam and Eve). To choose to be stuck in the negative pits of evil is strictly ours. Do we not think it breaks God’s heart? So in response to Manning, yes. It is possible. And the only thing to do is trust God in what He is doing and to help be his hands to make things better.

Preach it!

Found this Draft….

I came upon this draft today and I don’t even remember when I wrote it…

What can I say but how much of a rollercoaster life is and how it is important that you hold on. BUT it is also important to enjoy it and lift your hands up, open your eyes, and embrace it. Since Passion, life has had some ups and downs, but all in all I have been shown the grace with which is comprehensible by my mind all the time. I tend to forget how big God is, and how I am not so big all the time. I tend to let the fact that this is real life and there is not fairytale in this life slip my mind. I’m not being cynical by any means. I’m not saying it’s not possible to live happily ever after…but I won’t be living on this earth when I ride into the sunset with a handsome Prince on a noble steed.

But how many times a day do I think about myself and worse scenarios and assumptions of others…and even myself? And when moments like those happen, I keep getting reminded of how my life isn’t so together and perfect and precise. It doesn’t follow a step by step guide book to a life of bliss. Besides the Bible, there is no true direction that matches with your desires or needs to help you along in all circumstance. But even with the Bible, I can still be lost. Why? Total dependence on God maybe? Finally surrendering and realizing that when I try to do things my way, they never work out for the best or the way I planned it at all. And it’s not that God shoves that in our face like “Ha ha! Look at you on your face and all bruised up. I hate to say I told you so.” No.

With all of my relationships—romantic, friends, and family—I realize how it’s not about me and what I need or want out of the relationship all the time. We are all different so we are not going to be on the same wave length all the time. And sometimes what you know is right seems wrong to another and confusion comes in when you know all along what God is telling you.

Reawakening

This week was just like every other week here at the University I attend. Chapel on Tuesday, small group on Wednesday, Chapel on Thursday, blah blah. I was getting to the point of referring to Jesus as a hinderance, an annoyance. 3 chapels a week??? Someone please tell me how I can stay on fire for God when I am exhausted from working and doing assignments and doing the college student thing? Anyone? It was becoming unbearable. I was tired of singing the same songs every week and having opinions that were completely selfish now that I am reflecting on them.

This week, however, was student revival week (which I was clueless about and so was half the student body). The speaker was not a big name or some big famous pastor. He was a 20 something alumni of the school. What intrigued me about him was that he was real. He didn’t candy coat Jesus and my favorite part was how he touched base on cheesy bumper stickers, shirts, and etc that say little sayings. These irk me. That is the result of being at this school. God was becoming a cliche, just some book to get answers for grades, just some Guy in the sky who listens to you and it was making me become very cold towards God because I was losing my fire.

This week I was awakened from this dark abyss I was entering into. I realized through the 3 sermons this week that it’s not about me. Well duh! I have heard that a million times before! But not like this… It made me realize how selfish I had been. I have not been relying on my Heavenly Father for my needs and it’s a wonder because I always feel so much peace and joy after sharing my thoughts and day with Him just one on One. I have realized that it’s not about me. Yes it may not be good all the time but it will be. 2 Kings tells of this woman who desires to have a child and a prophet grants her that “wish” I guess you could say, but the baby dies! She decides to go visit the prophet and her husband asks why she is going and is she ok and her response is “All is well.” It’s not the cold and cynical response or tone, but a respect of God. She knows that it is not good now but it will be. After several tries the bewildered prophet heals her baby and brings him back to life! It was seen way beyond just another “story” in this book of miracles. I didn’t do the story justice, but if you read it, it has such power! (2 kings 6:8-37)

It was an awakening of the soul of complete faith and grace.

It was exactly what I needed.

It’s Time

Passion 2012 is a convention for college aged students between 18 and 25 in which I so honorarily got to be a part of. With over 45,000 students and leaders present in the Atlanta, GA Dome we began to be educated of the invisible faces of today’s looked over injustice: slavery. There are over 27 million men, women and even children held captive in the chains of injustice and it is way passed due to do something about it.

Our main money goal to help organizations to build restoration houses, rescue women in sex-trafficking, and stop the exploitation of children was 1 million dollars. Plus, raising 100,000 for Atlanta to create a new child exploitation prevention program. What?! That is $1,100,000! Could a stadium full of poor college students ever come up with that much money?

Apparently, with God, all things are possible.

We managed to raise over 3.5 million dollars in just 3 days! AND less than 24 hours after Passion, Google gave over 11 million to sex trafficking! AND Obama declared January as the month of sex trafficking awareness. Tell me there is no God!

As the week progressed and then hearing of how much we raised in less than a week, I began to realize the power of my wonderful and beautiful God. If we were to do this on our own without the consideration of the Lord, I doubt we would have raised even half of that. It is so amazing to see how the Lord our God LOVES justice and will go above and beyond amazing to make it happen.

Christopher and I have decided to take action and be a part of this movement as the risen generation for freedom and justice. Always feeling the need to help women in some way, have discovered the answer: Restoration of broken women. Christopher has the heart to speak at conventions while being a youth minister and pursuing the freedom of children who are corrupted into this system of evil.

The amazing group I had the privilege to go with on this trip were moved as well. We now realize that we are not meant to stand back and watch. “Indifference is NOT an option.” Our God loves justice and so we must we. It’s time to take a stand and not just walk by with our heads down. It’s time for this generation to seek freedom for EVERYONE. To be the voice of the silent. Even yourself. It’s time and that time starts now.